MCDZ

CH 1 – Sector 4 is in Alert!

The Planet is Earth. The year is 2084. The 8th jihad waged by Islamic terrorists on Europe has been halted thanks to the U.S.A.’s secret anti-terrorist freedom loving force MCDZ (Mission Control to Danger Zone). Global cooling is a very dangerous threat because most of humanity was brain washed to believe that global warming was approaching by Al Gore. According to the latest plasmanet poll, former President George W. Bush is ranked as the 2nd greatest President behind Ronald Reagan. Islamic terrorists have strongholds all over Europe, mostly because Europe is very liberal and very politically correct, and allowed millions of Muslim immigrants into their countries. And once they were settled in various countries throughout Europe they began to multiply, and now they out number the natives of the once European countries. The only thing that is slowing these enemies of freedom from taking absolute control of Europe is MCDZ. There are only two strong freedom loving democracies left across the Atlantic are Israel, which has widened its empire into Lebanon after completely destroying Hezbollah in 2008, and Iraq, which was completely liberated in 2010 thanks to MCDZ’s first crew. Iraq gives MCDZ hope because they are a Muslim country, a very stable democracy, and in no way a threat to the world, but most importantly, America.

I’m Tad Tompkins, the leader of MCDZ. MCDZ’s secret headquarters is located 15 miles under the World Trade Towers, which are now four times as big, and one is in the shape of a cross, to represent that we are a Christian nation, and the other is in the shape of a dollar sign, showing that we love capitalism.  George W. Bush formed this elite terrorist fighting group during his last year in office. We are the only defense America has from all the evils of the world. The brave patriots of MCDZ have been in hiding ever since the reign of Obama began in 2008. The spread of Islamic terrorism has only been fueled by the Democratic rule in America. All the presidents since Bush, who just so happen to have been democrats, have been trying to use diplomacy with the terrorists because they are scared to death to stand up to them. I just wish someone like Reagan could take control of the situation. One of these days MCDZ will not be able to stop the rapidly growing Islamic terrorists on our own; someday we will need the support of a Conservative Christian President.

Now me and my crew answer only to ourselves when fighting terrorism; in battle our only friends are our megagun-stealthray-shooters and our fanny packs made out of retired American flags. The crew is worn out after our recent, but temporary, victory over terrorism. Good thing our headquarters, most importantly sector 4, is equipped with the latest in hover bed technology.

After only 256 macro-minutes of sleep, the freedom alarms sounds. “Oh no, sector 4 is in alert!” I exclaimed. Our hover beds automatically change us into our silk-leather composite jumpsuits and fly us over to report for duty. We were all sitting there waiting to receive orders from the commander, and I was barely able to stay awake. That is until newly appointed commander Samantha Simpson walked through the door. Our eyes met and the first thing to come to my mouth was, “damn she’s fine.” Her slender body quivered as my masculine gaze sought itself upon her face. The sexual tension was so thick that you could actually swim through it, which I did. But I had to focus. The news was in; we must travel to North Korea. Apparently North Korea’s previous leader Kim Jong-il has been unfrozen and has developed weapons of mass destruction, or nukes as I like to call them, thanks to the Clinton administrations’ generous gift of a nuclear reactor. Our mission is to dismantle North Korea’s weapon program and, of course, to set up a functioning democracy, American style.

Just as I was leaving to go pump up the crew with another one of my awe inspiring speeches, Samantha stopped me. “Be careful out there,” she declared. “I’ll be seeing you around,” I muscularly intoned. I could sense that Samantha was crying using my sense detecting trinoculars. For now it was up to the MCDZ crew to save the world from a nuclear war. So off we rode to North Korea on our flock of cyber stallions.

CH 2 – Kim Jong’s Ill

The sky was dark as if the sun had gone down, which I was later told that it had. We stopped just off the border of North Korea to refuel our cyber stallions. Unleaded oil enriched gasoline was so abundant that it was free on Thursdays, but just our luck, Kim Jong-Il had Thursdays removed from the week in both North and South Korea. So we ended up having to pay the outlandish price of fifteen cents per gallon. Back in the States the price per gallon is six cents.

After the cyber stallions were done at the gassing hole, we slowly galloped across the border. The crew persuaded me to stop on the edge of capital city of Pyongyang to go over the game plan. “The only plan I have is to stop these Godless freedom haters,” I shouted. But instead of applauding my raw Emmy award deserving emotion, they just stared behind me. So with one strong whip to the neck of my cyber stallion I was turned around.

According to the hydrosolar color detector there was a greenish substance flowing in the Taedong River. “The Taedong is the only way into the nuclear facility,” Smith, my second in command, said. “Hey, I know that Taedong is a word Smith,” I enforced. So after disposing of our cyber stallions we made our way to the river.

When arriving at the river bed I had Smith kneel down so I could get off of his back. Right away I could tell that the greenish substance was solidified nuclear waste, but I had to be sure. So I reached into my hexapurse and pulled out a spare cyber colt. With one firm thrust of my lavender scented bronzed arm the cyber colt was hurled in the river. “You still got the good stuff,” I proclaimed to myself. The cyber colt vaporized on impact; our deepest fears had been realized. The words ‘let’s go home’ had never entered my brain sphere until this very moment in time. But then hope came. That is hope came in the form of a holographical image of Samantha on my holosonaric thigh watch. “Remember your surf skates,” her smooth vocal cords sounded. With these words of encouragement I knew what MCDZ had to do.

So after surf skating the river and kicking some North Korean ass, we were now inside the nuclear facility looking Kim Jong-Il straight in his eyes. It was obvious that he had just been unfrozen because we were all standing in a giant puddle of Fiji-Evian water; I knew this because I was thirsty. “How dare you waste the best water available to mankind when seventy percent of the Earth’s water supply is frozen from global cooling,” Smith whispered to me. After repeating what Smith said, Kim Jong-Il fired back. “Me love you long time,” he girlishly sassed in my direction. The next series of events was erased from my memory storage unit because it was too brutal for anyone to remember.

Now that North Korea was a thriving capitalistic democracy with no weapons of mass destruction, because we took them, the crew could surf skate back to headquarters. You know it’s true what they say, “freedom isn’t free,” because we at MCDZ charge a lot for our freedom forming services. I knew that North Korea would stay the strong democracy I made it because there were no Islamic terrorists involved. Truth be told, I couldn’t wait to grasp Samantha’s smooth yet firm body.

After arriving back I squired Samantha over to my king size hover bed and had four miltagrams of the finest freedom fish, preciously known as Swedish fish, waiting for her. “You really know what a woman wants,” Samantha mumbled while stuffing her mouth with freedom fish. “I told you I’d be seeing you around,” I mimed. MCDZ must take advantage of our time off from creating freedom because we could be called into action any micro-second. What treacherous obstacles lie ahead for MCDZ? Only the one true God knows.

CH 3 – Pope Goes The Weasel

Here I was locked in the middle of the greatest battle I had ever fought. The only way I can describe it is by comparing it to the classic story The Odyssey, the epic novel that tells the story of a man trying to get back to his wife while battling many gods and temptresses. Thank God that I got such a slumberous fortnight of rest after my freedom fish gorging and Samantha pleasing festival. Now back to the treacherous battle I was facing. Smith, my second in command, had just won the last megloset and we were all tied going into the final megloset of play. Smith had never beaten me, especially at megloball, partly because of my outstanding and over-manly abilities, but mostly because it was against the laws set forth by the founding fathers of MCDZ.

While waiting for Smith to megloserve I saw Samantha, she was running in slow motion to our game space along with the other meglosexy cheerleaders. “That Samantha really has some shape to her,” I volumnized. Knowing that the meglosexy cheerleaders were coming to watch me destroy Smith, strong emotions of victory encompassed my lean yet inviting body. As Smith tossed the megloball into the purified air Samantha shouted. This caused Smith to meglofault thus adding to my impressive record of dominating victories. “Redo,” Smith muttered while crying. Since I don’t respond to little baby girls, I hopped on my segway and Tokyo-drifted over to Samantha.

“Samantha, did you come to see my victory?” I boasted while staring down at Smith. “You’re legally not allowed to lose,” Smith said cowardly. “That’s beside the point that I easily won,” I strongly enforced. “We have a major problem Tad,” Samantha sincerely yet aggressively responded. Samantha then went on to tell me that today was the 80th anniversary of the day that the pope quoted an ancient Byzantine emperor who said some unpleasant things about Islam. After hearing this I decided to take a nap, but apparently Samantha wasn’t done talking yet. So when I awoke Smith caught me up on the news that the current pope has announced that he will be making the very same speech tomorrow at high noon.

“High noon, SON OF A BITCH, now I can’t sleep in,” I wrote on my wristpod. How is MCDZ going to fix this devastating situation? Don’t get me wrong, I agree with what the pope is about to say, but if he says it, the Islamic fascists will be rioting and just good ole fashioned pillaging all throughout Europe because, as you already know, Europe has been taken over with Islamic terrorists. By a recently passed law in America, under Democrat rule of course, it is illegal to insult Muslims in anyway, but the right to insult everyone else is still protected under free speech. As the natural born good looking leader of MCDZ, I’m the only one who can come up with an idea of how to mend the horrendous circumstance and attempt to bring good old fashion American freedom to Europe. The fate of the world lay in palm of my tanned muscular hand. “Gather the freedom saving crew, Tad needs to tell them all they need to know,” I spat at Smith.

When I had the crew assembled in the pop secret top secret meeting room (pop secret funds most of our missions and are surprisingly conservative), I told the crew, in the form of interpretive dance (don’t worry, there were subscripts), that we were heading to Israel in precisely 1000 macro-minutes. I still hadn’t come up with a plan, but I was sure that the Israeli government would help MCDZ out. This would give me plenty of time to spend with Samantha, or as she puts it, “our mandatory fun time.” I could see Samantha eyeing me up and down from the back of the pop secret top secret meeting room. Frankly, I was tired from planning the pop secret mission, but Tad never says no to a little extra curricular activity. So I took a deep breath, gathered my emotions, and headed toward Samantha. I felt the need to put on my heat-deflecting sun-vision goggles, because the closer I got to Samantha, the more I could feel the sex resonating off of her smooth silky body. The next scene has been cut due to its graphic nature, but let’s just say that what happened was so hot that both me and Samantha were able to go outside at night in the peak of global cooling without our silk-leather composite jumpsuits on.

When ‘mandatory fun time’ was over I took a brief glance at my holosonaric thigh watch, which was dripping with pure American sweat, and 900 macro-minutes had already passed. There was no way I could round both the crew and the cyber stallions up in time. So I did what any warm-blooded American would do, I had the hover bed change me back into my jumpsuit and take me over to the meet with the crew while Samantha went to the pop secret stable to deal with the very unpredictable and extremely dangerous cyber stallions.

“I’ll be seeing you around,” I said to Samantha while mounted on my cyber stallion. “You already used that one Tad,” Samantha replied back just before giving a firm slap to the back side of my stallion. During ‘fun time’ Samantha suggested that we should stop the pope from using his God given right to free speech. This struck me as odd, because we’re MCDZ, the all American terrorist fighting force, and we fight the murderers of freedom, not the pope. So right after entering the helium enriched atmosphere I turned to Smith and sung, “I think there’s more to Samantha than meets the eye, but what meets the eye is extremely sexy.” “Why do you tell me these things,” Smith responded in his usual nasal dominated voice. “Just write it down Smith,” I hastily reported back as I put the ear connectors to my flypod on. MCDZ had a long and difficult journey to the heavily protected Vatican. Just how difficult would it be? I had no idea.

 

CH 4 – Where On Earth is Israel Sandiago?

There we were cyber galloping over the Atlantic Ocean, which is half frozen from global cooling. Our flocks of protector American Super Bald Eagles were still circling the MCDZ crew, but the time for them to break off and check the air space over Europe was here. The thoughts of Samantha’s liberal Bill Maherish suggestion still plagued my brain sphere like the Black Plague, or Black Death as it is known by the 75 million whom died from it. But on a darker note, I only received half a fort nights rest, I still hadn’t come up with a plan to save Europe, and my flypod only contained the first 12 seasons of The Colbert Report, which as you know is the most American and patriotic of all TV shows. The Eagles had just signaled that the air space was safe using there reflective laser wing covers.

MCDZ was now over hostile Islamic fascist territory in Europe. “I honestly don’t think that we would’ve made it safely to Israel if I hadn’t navigated the flock of cyber stallions so precisely and handsomely,” I wrote down for the opening sentence to my autobiography, or as I like to call it, my HOTobiography. “It’s about time to land sir,” muttered a shivering and blueish Smith. “Its doctor sir to you and here’s your volcano blanket back,” I flexed to Smith. I could now see the landing zone which in the shape of the Star of David. This truly was the warmest and most comfortable of all my trips over European soil. But the time for relaxing was over, for Tad had to save Europe from these butchers of freedom yet again. God I love America.

MCDZ always makes the sweetest entrances, and this time was no exception. Picture this; hundreds of American flags being carried by the finest American Bald Eagles America can produce, followed by explosions of red, white, and blue external combustion works followed by the flock of cyber stallions gallantly galloping through the explosions, and for the finally I executed a back hand spring with Olympic precision off of my cyber stallion and glided down to the landing zone using my American flag cape that I retrieved out of my fanny pack made out of retired American flags. For a second I actually envied Israel for witnessing such a patrioticly American event that was paid for by donated tax dollars.

Now it was time to get down to business, the business of preventing Muslim rioting and the business of allowing the pope to give his God crafted speech. Me and Smith, who acted as my eyes and ears, were the only two members of MCDZ who attended the meeting with the top Israeli anti-terrorist officials. The rest of the MCDZ crew was busy planning the next of our great entrances. Neither me nor the Israeli officials could find a way to both let the pope broadcast his speech and prevent the death rioting.

500 macro-minutes into the mind stretching meeting Samantha appeared on my holosonaric thigh watch. “Can Everyone shut the hell up for one micro-second, Samantha might have an idea,” I bemoaned gleefully to the officials. The holographical image of Samantha was even sexier than I remembered, but I knew I had to listen to the sultry words she had to say, yet I still couldn’t take my eyes off of her flawless body. “Good news crew, I have come up with an idea that will be sure to please everybody,” Samantha audibly mentioned. Her plan was to allow to pope to give the speech, but to not broadcast it to the rest of the world so the Muslims would not get offended. Everyone immediately loved the idea, but it didn’t sit well with me. It still seemed wrong to disallow the right to free speech just because the same group of people wouldn’t like it. I looked at the image of Samantha and noticed she had an evil smirk on her face. Then it hit me. Samantha was one of them. She was an aide to the unfreedom lovers. How could I prove that Samantha wasn’t here to help and we couldn’t use her plan? The answer is that I can’t in the very short time span, so I had to come up with an alternate plan.

Just as the Israeli officials were about to go inform the broadcast company of the plan, the idea came to me. I went on to stop the officials from leaving the room and explain to them my brilliant testosterone filled idea. I had to look deep into the religion of Islam. What I found out is that Muslim’s are required to pray five specific times a day while facing Mecca. So my plan was to have the pope move his speech to one of the prayer times. This way the pope will get to broadcast the speech all over the world and the Muslims won’t be able to watch it. Case closed.

Well, everything worked out just as I planned. The pope gave a powerful speech which was broadcast all over the world. I hope the Europeans really listened to what the pope said because they need to get the balls to take back their countries from the Islamic fascists. And MCDZ did it without even using our megagun-stealthray-shooters, which was more a challenge than you’d think. The Muslim population didn’t even know that the pope gave the speech, and I was told that it wouldn’t ever be broadcast again or be leaked onto the plasmanet. I, Tad Tompkins, led MCDZ to another American victory. But I still needed to prove that Samantha was one of the bad guys.

When the crew returned home, I convinced headquarters that Samantha was an Islamo and had her sent to Guantanamo Bay, the best terrorist prison in the world thanks to George W. Bush, to be questioned/tortured for very useful information for the war on terror. I had a feeling she knew a lot, so I intend to go to Guantanamo many times to personally frisk her steamy perfect body.

After Smith returned from Israel (we accidentally left him behind) the whole crew was called into the pop secret top secret meeting room to be informed on who was going to replace Samantha. Once again, I could barely stay awake, for I was tired from my painstakingly successful mission. But then a sex vixen appeared before my eyes whom was even hotter than Samantha. And it must have been my lucky day because this sex vixen just so happened to be the newly appointed commander, and coincidentally her name was Samantha Simpson. Our gazes were immediately drawn to each other; the sexual tension seemed to be even thicker than before. I could tell that she wanted me, partly because she was using some z-ray goggles to take a closer look, but mostly because she announced it over the loud speaker. This transition would be much easier than I imagined.

Well, the hover bed awaits, I better go give Samantha what she wants, I just hope old Tad doesn’t give his heart away too quickly. Once again MCDZ was on top of the world and nothing could bring them down. Or so I thought…

CH 5 – The Soviet Whounion?

I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that the new Samantha is even better than the old one, and the bad news is that my hover bed no longer hovers…which actually ties in with the good news. But now I have to move from the new hotter Samantha to the Guantanamo Samantha. Apparently Smith got wind of something stirring up over in the old USSR, but he didn’t know exactly what it was. So I had to take things into my own, almost bionic hands. I say almost because they are actually only 73 percent bionic.

So there I was posing in the doorway to Samantha’s interrogation cell. “Oh Tad, I could never forget your silhouette,” coughed Samantha in a deep prisonish voice. “I’m not here to please you…unless that’s what it takes,” I winkingly suggested. And to my surprise, that’s exactly what it took. 780 macro-minutes later, I pleased all the information I needed from Guantanamo Samantha’s rockin’ hot bod. Even though I had a little too much conservative fun, the information I received caused me to have Smith arrange an emergency MCDZ meeting. Just as I was about to leave Samantha’s interrogation cell to head to the pop secret meeting room I decided to give Samantha one last frisk, you know, for the safety of America.

When I arrived at the pop secret meeting room I noticed that most of the crew was sleeping. “What the hell are you guys doing?” I laughed to the crew. Smith then frantically replied, “You’re 283 macro-minutes late Tad.” I hadn’t realized refrisking Samantha had taken so long. But I had to focus, for now came the hardest part of my job as leader of MCDZ, I had to tell the crew about another evil that wishes harm to good people of this wonderful world that God has so beautifully designed. After one sound of the tritone horn I had the full attention of the crew along with everyone within a three mile radium.

I went on to tell them all the information that Samantha released to me. The crew has seen and heard the most despicable and loathsome of things, but what I told them set a new bar. By now everyone knows that even though stem cell research is legal, it has produced very little results. But the bad news is that most Islamic terrorists are experts in this immoral scientific field. And they have brought back two of the most evil forces the world has known, Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin. That’s right, the bash brothers of terror and oppression. I know it sounds a little crazy that these old enemies teamed up, but they hate freedom and America more than they hate each other. How did these officers of evil manage to get their subscription to life magazine back? Good question. Apparently if you combine stem cells with bone marrow you get an exact living replica. Yet this is not all the bad news I have to give you. The former USSR has been restored to its full communistic glory with Hitler and Stalin in complete control of every Islamic terrorist group and planning an attack against America on American soil. These old foes knew that teaming up was the only way to beat the U.S. of A. Finally MCDZ will get a chance to protect our own people. Don’t tell anyone, but I was getting kind of sick of helping out the Europeans because they are so ungrateful, especially the French. My job is to give the world the freedom that America has, so I guess helping Europe out comes with the territory. But a thank you would be much appreciated…France.

I knew that Stalin and Hitler would soon find a way to get their hands on a bunch of nukes, so MCDZ didn’t have much time to come up with a plan. National defense spending has been non existent since the Bush administration and the democrats hold control of the house, senate, and white house. I call it the trifecta of horror. Sometimes I don’t think the majority of Americans are worth saving since they keep reelecting democrats, but then I realize that most Americans are at least better than all Europeans. The democrats have built so many bike paths and town museums with the defense spending cuts that virtually 60 percent of Americans are now on government dole as museum curators. They just need someone with strong convictions to lead the country to the greatness of old. The only good thing to come out of this democratic control is that MCDZ still exists. Even though the democrats hate defending the country I guess they know without MCDZ they will die horrible and very painful deaths, which I sometimes think they want.

“How the hell am I supposed to protect America if I can’t get my firm hands on some nukes because these damn liberals are in control?” I said into a deltaphone. “Umm…Tad, you’re giving a speech to the first graders…remember?” Samantha said ever so graciously. After taking an hour to explain to the parents my frivolous use of the American language, I took some time to think about the situation. So I went to where I always go to think, the Ronald Reagan memorial theater. This theater is awesome to the max. It shows all of Reagan’s films, every TV appearance, and a biography 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Right as I sat down the biography started; how lucky could I get? I was excited because I hadn’t seen the biography in like a week. After watching Reagan use strong will and determination to single handedly dismantle the USSR and communism, I saw that Reagan was buried in Santa Monica. Then the plan hit me like Barry Bonds used to hit up the steroids, which is pretty hard.

I then segwayed over to my dame and told her the urgent news. “We’re leaving for California tomorrow Samantha, so pack you’re bags…but only one bag this time.” “Will it be a romantic rendezvous?” she replied. “Umm…sure? Just be ready.” I then demanded Smith to bring 3 hyplo-tons of adult stem cells; I chose to use adult stem cells because, unlike the democrats, I value human life. What I didn’t realize is that my trip to California would change the world forever.

CH 6 – Reaganacrocy

I arrived in Santa Monica in record time thanks to my newly aero-ized cyber stallion. There was only one problem with my speedy arrival; I had to wait 259 macro-minutes for Samantha and Smith’s train to get here. While segwaying to the train station I saw some activists protesting the use of a coal burning train because it was harmful to the environment or something, I couldn’t really hear them because their voices were mumbled from me segwaying over them. It seemed as if the heavens were cursing me with the long wait I had to endure at the old train memorial…I mean station. And to add to my problems, the 100 year old bench antique began to cause by back muscles great discomfort, but then a very familiar aroma struck my testosterone injected nostrils. For it t’was the smell of burning coal, but just to be sure I pulled myself to an upright position using only the power of my abs. And there it was; I saw the black smoke billowing from the train as it was approaching the memorial. I still couldn’t believe that the museum of natural history let Samantha and Smith use the last coal burning train to travel to Santa Monica. How lucky are we to live in such a freedom loving country?

“Wow it looks like you guys had a good trip.” I said this sarcastically because they both looked horrible. Well, Samantha’s rockin’ bod was still easy on the eyes. “How was your trip tad?” Smith spoke with anger in his tone. Smith was probably angry because he had to shovel coal into the fire the whole trip, but who really cares. “Watch that tude Smith, but since you asked, the lobster was a little fishy and the in stallion movie was a little too pixilated.” After the small talk was over I could tell that Samantha was yearning for my touch. I knew this because she had just said, “Tad, I’m yearning for your touch.” So, like any good leader of MCDZ would do, I had Smith guard the adult stem cells while me and Samantha made our way back onto the train to…umm…shovel some coal, if you know what I mean.

The next morning, when me and Samantha were done re-coaling the train, I led Smith and Samantha to the Reagan memorial. I would describe the beauty of the Reagan memorial, but it would just take too long and cause too many of you to cry. I still hadn’t unveiled the reason for our being at the Reagan memorial, so I took some time to explain my plan. They both thought it was a genius plan because Reagan has actually proven that he can stand up to the evils of the world despite what anyone else says. “Smith, start digging Reagan up,” I said while remembering all that Reagan did for the world. “But what about the law,” Smith whispered very timidly. “You let me worry about Johnny Law.” Me and Samantha then told Smith that we were going to keep an eye out for Johnny Law, but we just flew stringless titonium, which is the newest of all the elements, kite’s on the beach.

Smith was finally done digging Reagan up, so we began the very long, very dangerous and very scientific process of extracting bone marrow from very old and very brittle bones and mixing it with very adult and very stem cells.

We did it! We successfully remade Reagan! This was the most exciting thing I had ever done. I, of course, will receive all the credit for this great accomplishment even though Smith did all the scientific stuff and I just watched, because, as leader of MCDZ, I get credit for anything done by any member of MCDZ, for it is written in the MCDZ bylaws. The first question out of Reagan’s patriotic mouth was, “why is it so cold in Santa Monica?” The answer of course was global cooling. “Mr. President, I’ll tell you all you need to know once we get back to headquarters, you need to rest for now.” So I gave Reagan his favorite American flag Members Only jacket and we were on our way.

After taking Reagan back to headquarters I told him that old foes Hitler and Stalin have teamed up and brought back the USSR to its former communistic glory, they plan to attack America, and Islamic terrorism has spread throughout Europe and no one seems to notice; no one has the balls to stand up for what’s right anymore. And then I told him the obvious reason for my remaking him. This took around 4 ‘Reagan’ minutes. And then I asked him the question that I’m sure everyone wants to know the answer to, “What was the deal with Sandra Day O’Connor?” He opened up to me and said it was the only time in his life that he didn’t go with his gut feeling; he listened to the advice of others who just wanted him to make her the first woman on the Supreme Court. After this, something so inexcusably wrong happened. Samantha, without knocking, barged into the man chamber! “Can’t you see that men are talking Samantha,” I non-sexistly implied. She, like any good woman, apologized and said, “I just intercepted some very important news from the white house that both of you great sirs need to hear.” I followed her statement by motioning, with my Abe Lincoln back scratcher, for her to quickly get out of the man room.

We then followed Samantha, on matching segways, into the pop secret meeting room to hear this so called urgent news. But right as we entered the room an alarm that I’ve never heard before sounded. Out of pure nervous adrenaline, because Reagan was right there, I said, “I’ve never heard that alarm before, it must be the being too American alarm.” Samantha went on to embarrass me by saying, “No Tad, it’s the urgent news alarm, it goes off at least two times a day.” “Are you sure you’re qualified to be the leader of MCDZ Tad?” Reagan so flatteringly suggested. After being sassed by the greatest president ever, we went on to hear the news. Apparently, with the full support of congress, the democratic president has agreed to begin negotiating with Hitler and Stalin. Also, in a press release the president said that he thinks peaceful negotiations with these disruptors of freedom is the only obvious option.

Man, you should’ve been there; you could actually see Reagan flip the switch into presidential protect the world mode after hearing the news. When I saw that twinkle in his eye, I turned to Reagan and said, “You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin?”

CH 7 – The Reag Squad

Apparently Reagan wasn’t thinking exactly what I was thinking, but he did agree that eating some pudding was a great idea too. Reagan told me that he was ready take the reigns of the champion stallion, not to be confused with cyber stallion, that is America. In other words he wants to be the president for a third term. Reagan didn’t worry himself with the details of actually becoming president because has won over the hearts of the American people before by taking a strong stand against communism when all other politicians seemed to sympathize with these enemies of humanity. For he was more concerned with who would be his vice president, Secretary of Defense, and Cabinet since he didn’t know a single soul besides me and Samantha. So I quickly suggested that given my great leadership abilities I should be the vice president. Reagan nobly stated that you can’t be the vice president and the leader of MCDZ at the same time. How he could possibly know this, or if it was actually true, I didn’t know, but who was I to argue with Reagan?

After several macro-minutes of deliberation, Reagan boldly states that he wants Margaret Thatcher to be vice president. “She doesn’t have the balls, but she has the balls, if you know what I mean.” I didn’t literally know what Reagan meant, but I think it metaphorically entered my brainsphere. Now, I had the power to decline him of his request and hope that he changes his mind about me as vice president, but we clearly had little time remaining before America gave complete control to Hitler, Stalin, and the Islamic terrorists. “Make sure that Thatcher broad is here within the morrow,” I intertexted Smith.

“I just can’t think of anyone trustworthy and ballsy enough to fill the other positions,” monologued the Gipper. I then gave Reagan my patent pending soft eye gaze. “Even my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ Almighty couldn’t help you become the VP.” There was only one way to impress the Reag and gain his trust in this crucial time. I had to find the micro reels of everything 80’s to find the right specimens to fulfill Reagan’s urgent needs. If you’re wondering what the voluptuous Samantha is doing, then you shall now be satisfied. She is currently scouting the White House to find a way to stall the president from meeting with Hitler and Stalin. “Damn she’s wicked fine.” “Who’s fine?” spooked Reagan. I didn’t realize I said that out loud. “Umm... you are Mr. President Sir.” I really have to stay alert; that Reagan is a sneaky one.

I was off to the man chamber to watch endless macro-minutes of 80’s propaganda. It was difficult to find a starting point, so I had my hover bed use its random number ultimizer to select one. Just so happens that the hover bed picked the 1980 winter, I mean Christmas, Olympic Games. At first I couldn’t believe that people actually did all of the sports portrayed because now every Christmas sport is performed virtually while meglocalculators predict the outcome. I didn’t realize how brave the men of the 80’s actually were. I actually had a new found respect for Reagan, if that was even mathematically possible, because I heard Reagan was a champion Christmas mountain boarder. Anyway, back to my search.

It seemed like no Olympic members were right for the position, but then the ice hockey games were about to start. I almost stopped the micro reel right then; good thing I didn’t. Because it just so happens that the USSR team had won every game they have played since like the beginning of time. Yet the young American team set them straight and beat them in the first game in the metal rounds. Those young guns had the chutzpa to take down the Soviet Union back then, so I knew they had what it would take to fight the Islamic fascists. I found the cabinet; ever single member of that U.S.A. gold hockey team. “Smith, quick favor, could you bring back ever member of the 1980 U.S. hockey team,” I spoke into my holarsonaric thigh watch.

There was one spot left; the Secretary of Defense. To fill this spot I would need to find someone who has single handedly defeated communism against all odds, much like Reagan did. I knew this would be a long and very painful process, so I had my hover bed once again randomly select the reel I watch. The reel was playing and I was ready to watch, but then my thigh started to itch. For it was my holarsonaric thigh watch and apparently I accidentally set it on itch mode. Who could possibly be calling me now? Turns out that Samantha wanted to let me know that she successfully postponed the ‘peace’ meeting for at least a day. I didn’t actually talk to her; I let the machine get it; I didn’t have time to hear that woman blab for like 400 macro-minutes. Back to the reel. The hover bed, I thought, chose a wrong reel, but I guess the hover bed knows best, as usual. Rocky 4 was playing and I wasn’t really in the mood for Rocky to overcome insurmountable odds to defeat some Goliath of a character. But, I went with my gut and watched it.

Oh my sweet sweet God of Glory and all Power. Did you know that in Rocky 4 Rocky travels to the USSR and beats a steroid filled commy in front of an all commy crowd? It looks like I found the Secretary of Defense. I once again put my order in with Smith. Man, it’s really tough to do all the things I do, but that’s what happens when you’re the leader of MCDZ.

There was only one thing I had left to do. I had Reagan meet me in the man chamber for a little talk man to man. “I have some good news and some good news to tell you.” Did you see what I did there? Instead of saying bad news I said good news again. It really is amazing how much of a natural comedic ability I have. “Are you going to tell me or just sit there looking off into the distance,” Reagan said. I went on to tell Reagan of the men I chose for him and to let him know we’d be off to D.C. in the morn. Right after this Smith itched my leg to let me know that he had everyone in the pop secret top secret meeting room.

I challenged Reagan to an old fashioned segway race to the meeting room. Big mistake; I guess Reagan owned a segway, because he really knew how to harness the speed. He must have beaten me by four miles. When I finally arrived, Smith introduced us to each person. But then he said, “And this is Sylvester Stallone, the Secretary of Defense.” I was mad, “who the hell is Sylvester Stallone, I wanted Rocky 4.” Reagan went on to correct me, “Rocky is just the name of the character Tad.” “Oh, I know, I was playing around.” For some reason I had to clear my throat while saying this.

For the first time Reagan trusted me. What a good feeling. But this feeling would soon be overwhelmed with the constant fear that I couldn’t make Reagan the President in the middle of the current term. Yet, never in a trillion years would I have guessed the next series of events would ever happen.

CH 8 – Satellite waxer

There we were still in the pop secret meeting room. Even after being rehumanized and told of the extreme dangers that lie ahead, the Reag squad was on board. “Get me the attention of the American people Tad,” Reagan said with the same boldness that shattered the Berlin wall almost a century ago. “No problem Mr. President,” I said in such a believable manner that I almost believed it myself. From traveling to the Reagan Theater once a week I knew that Ronald use to talk intimately with the fine people of the U.S.A. in something called ‘Fireside chats.’ Given the newly oxygenated air from global cooling, I knew that fire could not be involved in any way. So I had to come up with a solution to the problem all by myself.

Just as I was in the middle of forming the master plan the ‘being too American’ alarms sounded off, for there was urgent news to hear. Believe me, this news was so unreal that there was no way it couldn’t possible be real. Former Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has just been brought back by the same Islamic terrorist’s that remade Hitler and Stalin. It’s a well known fact that Ahmadinejad outspokenly hates America, Israel, and the Jews, so this next bit of news will not shock you. Ahmadinejad has announced that he shall team up with Hitler and Stalin to take out all the Jews and infidels along with expanding the Islamic empire in America with several precise attacks in all the major U.S. cities. To make matters worse, the president still plans to meet with Hitler and Stalin, and then fly to Iran to meet with Ahmadinejad to give him another nuclear reactor, for energy purposes of course. It is also known that Iran has thousands of nukes stockpiled from when the U.N. refused to stop them from enriching uranium and advancing their nuclear program back in the early 2000’s.

Then it bit me, this is how Hitler and Stalin plan to get their nukes. The current democratic president honestly thinks that if you just talk with the enemy and give them what they want, then everyone will live happily ever after. It was obvious that this wasn’t a fairy tale and we Americans needed Reagan now more than ever.

After hearing what this ‘so called’ president is about to do, I remembered that the democratic congress had recently passed a bill that forced every American to wear a holosonaric thigh watch that is connected directly to the White House super satellite. I guess that’s what you get with big government, but lucky for us it works out for everyone this one time. We now had that horrible task of traveling to the Capitol and gaining access to the super satellite. The only way to get there in silent mode was by cyber stallions. I was worried that an 80’s man like Reagan would have trouble flying the cyber stallion, so I offered some helpful instructions, “first you must place yourself…” “I’m going to stop you right there pilgrim, I know all there is to know about stallions,” said Reagan very much like John Wayne. And boy was I wrong about Reagan; he had such a natural feel for the cyber stallion, that some would almost compare his abilities to mine. Remember, I did say almost.

There we were soaring over the States; the atmosphere was so thick with oxygen that breathing wasn’t even necessary. No one mentioned it, but everyone knew that it would not be easy getting by the layers of security, the infaradar lasers, and the thousands of password protected doors to get to the super satellite. “Samantha, we’re headed your way and we’ll need your help getting us to the super satellite.” “No problem Tad,” said Samantha in a voice that was even hotter than I remembered, but I had to contain myself because Reagan was right there. Samantha then went on to say that she would distract everyone and get us access to our desired area.

There we were standing at the base of the super satellite, and the funny thing was that we just walking right in. And then I saw the oh so sexy Samantha waxing the satellite. “Yo Samantha, wha’d ya do to get everyone cleared out?” said Soviet crusher Rocky 4. Apparently Samantha prank called the president and told him that two homosexual illegal immigrant abortionist atheists were being sued for performing illegal and immoral back alley abortions on underage teenagers without parental consent. Everyone knows that the democrats jump at any opportunity to help people like this, so the president had every person in the White House and every member of the House and congress rush to help these poor people out. Knowing that Samantha was such a conservative genius made me even more attracted to her, so I had to do something about it. “When will I be able to give my speech to the Nation?” “In a micro-second Reagan, me and Samantha need to…wax the satellite if you know what I mean,” I foolingly said to Reagan. “I actually don’t know what you mean Tad.” “Just wait Reagan!” I authoritated.

“Oh Tad, it seems as if you’ve been waxing satellites your whole life,” gasped Samantha from the core of the satellite. I gentlemanly replied, “You are what you eat.” After the satellite was waxed to perfection, I told Reagan that the time was here. So Reagan looked directly into the video pixilrama and began his speech to the people of America. I dozed off, but Smith told me that Reagan explain to the people that the only way to protect America is to have a leader who doesn’t take any crap from the evils of the world, and that he is running for president, and that there will be a nationwide vote tomorrow. Smith then told me at the end of Reagan’s angelic speech he held up his megagun-stealthray-shooter and said this to America, but everyone knew that he was taking to Hitler, Stalin, Ahmadinejad, and every Islamic terrorist, “Evil is powerless if the good are unafraid.”

Now all we had to do is wait till the morrow for the results of the election between Reagan and the current president. In the previous sentence make sure to use the word president very loosely. I sent Reagan, Thatcher, Rocky 4, and the 1980 U.S. ice hockey team to a local motel for the night. Since the motel was now full, I decided that me and Samantha would stay in the Lincoln bedroom. I don’t think any of us would be sleeping very well knowing that the fate of the world lies in the hands of the American people. I wanted to trust them, but they did after all, vote in an all democratic majority in the last election. Now I must go see what this infamous Lincoln bedroom is really like.

CH 9 – Three’s Accompany

I’ve disgraced the person who freed the slaves and personally defeated the confederates; it was my first time to stay in the Lincoln bedroom and I broke the bed. Well…I didn’t exactly break the bed; it was more of a combination of my muscle mass and Samantha’s incredibly limber body. I realize that you don’t want to hear about this, but if you do, I’m writing another book titled The Wacky Adventures of Tad and Samantha. You really want to know the results of the very dramatic plasmanet elections. But the time has not come for that quite yet.

I managed to have Samantha have Smith have everyone come to the Lincoln bedroom to watch the results on my four theater sized invisiscreen. There was still about 25 macro-minutes until the election results would be posted, so everyone was doing there own thing. For instance, me and Samantha were playing seven macro-minutes in heaven, which brought me back to my days as the leader of Mission Control High School where I was lead shredder on the skateboarding team. Rocky 4 was attempting to box the whole hockey team, and he did, as usual, manage to overcome great difficulties to defeat them. But what I did notice was that Reagan was solid as a rock; he seemed unnerved by the whole situation. I couldn’t find Thatcher, but I’m sure she was doing something…British.

The election results were in, or at least that’s what the people in the invisiscreen said, damn that screen is thin. Our eyes seemed to be dancing as they followed the flashing pixilations on the invisiscreen. And then the news person began talking. But it wasn’t about the election. It was something about France, so naturally we were going to turn it off. But Reagan stopped everyone and said, “Wait, this could be good news.” And as always, he was correct. It turns out that France has just given complete control over to the Islamic terrorists. Oh France, how you love to surrender. “This calls for tea and crumpets,” said lady Thatcher. Thank God she showed up, I thought she was lost, but I guess she was just being stereotypically British.

After celebrating the protest/surrender nature of the French for a while, the news person started to talk again. And this time it was about the very dramatic election. Short story short, Reagan won by the largest margin in American history. He actually received all but one vote; we found out later that a blind woman in Florida was somehow allowed to vote without assistance and mistakenly voted for the other guy. I’m pretty sure that all the Democrats in Congress and the House refused to vote, but plan on battling Reagan every step of the way. But I am proud of the American people for finally recognizing that you can’t just sit back and hope that the terrorists stop expanding, you have to grow a backbone for once. I figured now would be as good a time as any for me and Samantha to stop playing seven macro-minutes in heaven and rejoin the group.

“I’ll go get more tea and crumpets.” Boy, Thatcher really loves those things. “Congrats Mr. President, what’s you’re first order of business?” I went on to say. “As I’ve always said, first things first,” answered the president.

So there we were moving Reagan into the White House. You know for a guy was dead like a week ago, he sure has a lot of stuff. Trying to impress Reagan, I carried two of his solid gold American Bald Eagle statues by myself. Unimpressed with my amazing feat of strength, he just said, “Go put those in the oval office before you tarnish the solid gold.” But this was not the only bad news; Reagan also told me that I was not allowed in the Lincoln bedroom anymore. Could things possibly get any worse for me? The answer is no, because Reagan is now the President.

After all of Reagan’s stuff was finally moved in he called an emergency meeting in the oval office. I had Smith act as a cyber stallion and trot me to the meeting because Reagan didn’t allowed real cyber stallions in the White House. Reagan sure does stick to his guns; because I pleaded with him the whole day to let me keep cyber stallions in the Lincoln bedroom where Samantha would look after them, think how sweet that would be. At the meeting he told everyone that the country has chosen him to be President because they are sick of the politically correct terrorist loving Democrats ruining the world by not actually doing anything.

Here’s the last thing Reagan said to us, “I’m going to make a lot of drastic changes to improve and protect this great country, but I’m tired from moving, so I’ll start tomorrow.” I had a good feeling about Reagan’s third term, or as I call it, the ‘Reagan reign of freedom.’ I just hope that the college liberals who were too obsessed with writing research papers on old Michael Moore films for there pot smoking professors to vote don’t protest Reagan by ‘marching for change’ down a street near their college when nobody is there. I was excited for tomorrow, but I was also a little nervous because it wasn’t just Reagan verses communism this time, it was Reagan against the world, a world not only being taken over by Islamic terrorists, but a world where Hitler, Stalin and Ahmadinejad are planning the most horrible attacks on America and the Jews.

But all I could do is wait till the morn, so I snuck into the Lincoln bedroom and had Samantha sooth my worries away. I sure hope the world, including the Democrats, are ready for the Reagan reign of freedom.

CH 10 – Congress Schmongress

So me and Samantha accidentally fell asleep in the Lincoln bedroom again from over exhaustion, but this time was a little different. When I woke up, Reagan himself was just staring at me. I thought I would be banished for good from D.C., but for some reason Reagan didn’t seem too concerned. He went on to tell me that there was a meeting with congress in 47 macro-minutes and he wanted me there. After he left the room I strolled over to the window and it actually looked like the sun was smiling down on this new Reagan reign of freedom, but I then remembered that NASA had tattooed a smiley face on the sun two years ago. While contemplating what a glorious day it t’was I glanced over at Samantha. The sun must have been really smiling down at her because it accentuated all her flawless American features. I was going to let her keep dreaming, but how was I going to eat if she didn’t cook breakfast for me? Right as I was about to gently awaken her with my megagun-stealthray-shooter Smith entered the room. “I made you some breakfast doctor sir,” his quivering lips suggested. “What are you doing cooking Smith, that’s a women’s job,” I politically correctly replied. He must have been sweating because there was some sort of liquid coming out of his eyes after I said this. But the awesome thing was that the brilliant sun combined with Smith’s eye sweat created all the colors of the rainbow.

After finishing the amazing breakfast Samantha cooked for me, Samantha jumped on my back as I jumped onto my segway, and we headed to the Congress meeting. Then after completing secret individual high fives with Rocky 4, the hockey team, and Thatcher, the meeting began. “Are you gonna lay it to this bunch of Islamo loving Dems Mr. President?” I graciously asked Reagan. “First I’m going to listen, because they might have something helpful to say.” Man, Reagan has more patience with these terrorist loving liberals than I do, but he knows what he’s doing.

It didn’t take long for Reagan to stop listening and start acting, because Congress told us that they had supported Hitler, Stalin, and Ahmadinejad’s decree of sharia law on the rest of the world. Sharia law basically means that the infidels who were lucky enough to not be murdered would be the Islamic terrorist’s slaves. “No more talking, I’m already sick of you guys,” said Reagan. Reagan went on to tell Congress that he’s cutting taxes and education spending, and rebuilding the military, but since the army, navy, and air force don’t really exist anymore, MCDZ will just be expanded drastically. Half of Congress pissed themselves when Reagan said this, it was really quite humorous. Just as we were all leaving to go save the world, one member of Congress whimpered, “Please don’t upset them, just go talk with them, we’ve found that the diplomatic approach is the best way.” Then Reagan, as if he were still playing the role of a TV cowboy, said, “Oh, I’ll go talk to them, but I can’t promise you that they won’t be upset.” It’s fun leaving a room when you know everyone is scared to death of what you might do.

As we were walking out, Reagan told me to get the cyber stallions ready because we were going to the former USSR to meet with Hitler, Stalin, and Ahmadinejad. I couldn’t wait to see Reagan in action against these coinsures of evil. Before we left I told Smith to start recruiting for MCDZ; I hope he can handle that simple task.

I guess word got out about the meeting in the former USSR and the location of cyber stallion take off, because thousands of people were there to show their support for Reagan. I was glad to see so man people believed in Reagan’s ‘say then actually do’ policy. But as usual some liberal college democrats came to protest by burning a gigantic American flag. We didn’t do anything because we, unlike the democrats, really do believe in free speech. But, also unlike the democrats, we believe in a just and loving God, because the same flag that these ‘activists’ were burning fell covering all of them. “God bless America!” I shouted. This really got the crowd going; I felt like a rock star as I mounted my cyber stallion. While mounted upon my cyber stallion I turned to Samantha and teased, “I’ll be seeing you around.” When I saw her confused look, I then remembered that I told this to the gitmo Samantha and not this new hotter Samantha.

We finally landed in this satan inspired part of the world. “Are you scared Mr. President?” I said to create small talk. “Of these bastards? Hell no,” his voice triumphed. I didn’t say this, but I was scared to death of being in the same room with the some of the most evil people in history. Then Reagan patted me on my back and I felt much better; it was as if Reagan’s mere presence demanded the peace that only Jesus can deliver. “Let me do all the talking,” said Reagan as we were about to enter the doors. Like I was going to say anything; my mouth felt like a field of cotton.

Without shaking hands or allowing the sons of bitch’s to say a word Reagan sat down and said, “I really hope that we can get on the same page and you guys stop enforcing sharia law, stop making nukes, stop expanding the Islamic terrorist empire, and stop doing pretty much everything, because if you don’t, and there is a war, I can assure you we will not lose.” Then he got up and walked out. I quickly followed.

Just before remounting the cyber stallions I just said, “That was wicked awesome.” “Like I say, evil is powerless if the good are unafraid,” said Reagan. “You want to get some funnel cakes and shoot some fire works when we get back?” I asked nervously. “Sounds damn good to me,” he responded.

I guess the meeting was put on youtube or something, because when we were getting funnel cakes and fire works, someone said, “I saw the meeting on youtube, it was Americanly awesome.” I knew what Reagan did was good because every democrat I saw had soiled themselves. It also must have boosted moral, because Smith told me, via holosonaric thigh watch, that 20 million people signed up for MCDZ.

As me and Reagan were eating funnel cakes and shooting fire works off of the White House roof Samantha joined us and whispered, “meet me in the Lincoln bedroom tonight, I have a very sexy surprise for you.” She then walked off extremely slowly because she knew I was watching. This was quickly turning into the best day of my life. Reagan immediately brought me back to reality by saying, “You better enjoy yourself tonight, because we have the world to deal with tomorrow.” I had no idea just how difficult tomorrow would be, but with Reagan steering the ship, I wasn’t scared anymore.

Who am I kidding? I’ve been trying not to soil myself ever since the meeting. But I’ll put that aside for now and go cash in my sexy surprise.

CH 11 – Day Too

I bet you want to know what the sexy surprise was. I guess I could take a few sentences to tell you. When I walked into the Lincoln bedroom my greatest fantasy came true. Samantha had rounded up my very dangerously unpredictable cyber stallions and put them in cyber stables she had built, by hand, in the bedroom. This was the exact thing I wanted to do from day one; I figured it was my duty to return the favor.

After a night of cybering Samantha’s stallion, I awoke to Smith’s image on the invisiscreen. “Umm Tad, we have a meeting to attend,” muttered a still frazzled Smith. Apparently Reagan called us all into the oval office for a meeting to discuss the fate of the world. After waking Samantha yet again to make me breakfast, she makes a damn good American omelet, I buffly galloped my cyber stallion into the oval office.

“Nice to finally see you Tad,” said Reagan rather sarcastically while trying to set the time on his new holosonaric thigh watch. “First of all, it’s doctor Tad, and second of all, I gots to have my eatage,” I said in my usual hip manner. After a long awkward silence while waiting for Reagan to set his thigh watch, the meeting began. The first, and most important, order of business on the agenda was military strategy. Reagan asked us what we thought a good strategy would be against the Islamic terrorists, Hitler, and Stalin. Rocky 4 was the first to answer; he said that we should train every member of MCDZ in boxing and then send all the Mission Controllers to fight the enemy in a series of millions of boxing matches. Reagan then went on to laugh because he thought Rocky 4 was joking, but after realizing that he wasn’t, Reagan turned that laugh into a very life like and believable cough that fooled even me, whom still doesn’t know that Reagan was laughing.

Reagan then went on to predict that the hockey team would want to play the USSR team in a game again. This turned out to be correct. Not wanting to waste more time, Reagan chose to tell us what he wanted to do. I’m pretty sure this is the time when I woke up; I don’t know what it is, but meetings always make me tired. Reagan said that he will need to copy the game plan that he used in the 80’s to dismantle communism. Amazingly he actually had the game plan written in a blue notebook that he keeps on him at all times. Unlike the notebooks that we are used to, where all you have to do is imagine what you want to be written down and then blink to save it to a folder in your brainsphere, this notebook contained actual pages of extinct paper made from extinct trees. This is about the time that Thatcher waltzed in with a tray of, you guessed it, tea and crumpets. “Looks like you young chimney sweeps could use some tea and crumpets,” she said in an accent that was more British than I remembered.

Reagan went on to tell us that we need to strike the fear of the one and only God into the immoral defenders of unfreedom. Those weren’t his exact words, but you get the point. To do this he said we needed to set up MCDZ stations equipped with thousands of lava powered nukes, dinotanks, and Mission Controllers equipped with megagun-stealthray-shooters that are able to attack at any moment. I then suggested that we should drop boxes of bacon, dogs, shoes, and alcohol onto the Islamic terrorist strongholds to cause them to panic, thus weakening them. “That’s actually a brilliant idea Tad, and to think that I almost appointed Smith to leader of MCDZ,” said Reagan without even breaking a sweat. “That’s a good one Mr. President,” I jokingly replied. When Reagan didn’t confirm my thoughts that he was joking, I kind of believed that he was serious about making Smith the leader. This is when I remembered that I’m too awesome to be replaced…and cool.

Smith then happened to skip into the oval office and say that he had some urgent news to report, but I didn’t buy it. “I don’t buy it Smith,” I said assured that everyone else was in agreement with me. Even though I let Smith know how I felt, he still managed to get the words out. He told us that Hitler, Stalin, and Ahmadinejad are expanding sharia law ever further, but they are also starting to kill random dhimmis because they didn’t think Reagan was a serious threat. I was told that Reagan was pretty cheesed off at this point. I was told this because I fell asleep again; it’s not my fault that the meeting was so long and boring.

Just before we were released from the meeting to go have a short recess, Reagan said he wanted to address the world. I told him that I would have Samantha make the arrangements, but only after I got to virtual swing on the virtual swing set during recess. I went on to suggest that in addition to the bacon, dogs, and alcohol, Bibles might be a good idea. As a man of faith, he loved that idea.

When I was done virtual swinging in the Alps portrayed in The Sound of Music with Samantha, we both headed over to the invisiscreen to watch Reagan, damn that screen is flat. Reagan looked as tough as the toe of a camel as he started to talk to the great people of America. When I say great people, always assume that the liberals, or the people who want America to slowly die, are not included. Reagan began by stating everything that was said in the earlier meeting, but then went on to say that we will be working with Israel, Iraq, and North Korea; because they are the only other freedom thriving democracy’s left. He then said that he is bringing back star wars. At first I thought it was a bad idea because I didn’t think the movies were so great, but Samantha reminded me that star wars was the name of his missile defense space machine. “Of course, how could I forget,” I whispered into Samantha’s ear. “I knew you wouldn’t forget our anniversary Tad,” she hysterically screamed back. I didn’t know what the hell she was talking about, but Smith reminded me that it was our three week anniversary, which as you know, is the new 10 year anniversary. I promised her a night she wouldn’t forget, along with a very special surprise, and told her that I was going to meet with Reagan for important stuff. Those were my exact words, but she was still crying from happiness, so she didn’t notice that anything was wrong.

As I was segwaying to meet with Reagan to discuss my three week anniversary problem, I thought nothing else could possibly top my predicament. Little did I know that this would be the least of my troubles?

CH 12 – Reagan’s Reckoning

The segway ride to the oval office seemed be taking longer than usual, then I realized that a squirrel was stuck in one of the wheels. After zapping the squirrel with my devolumnizing laser pointer, which doubles as a billiards cue, I was on my way much faster.

I entered the oval office with intentions of talking, but the stern, yet glorious look on Reagan’s face caused me to zip it shut. “It’s finally happening Tad,” whistled Reagan. After unzipping my mouth I comforted Reagan with these patriotic words, “What you talkin’ bout?” Reagan went on to tell me that after he addressed the nation, mere moments ago, the Dems retaliated in full force. Apparently every democratic member of government is scaring the nation into thinking that since we are stockpiling nukes and actually have a military now, that a massive nuclear war is about to ensue. “But the majority of Americans are smarter than that,” I assured the President. At this moment he handed me a piece of very sturdy whale paper, which is made out of the finest whale. This sheet showed the current approval rating of the Reagan. It was 11 percent. “Hot dang, what do we do now?” “Go to MCDZ headquarters and see how long until we can go ahead with the mission, we must have faith in the goodness of the American people,” said Reagan as if we had already beaten the Islamic terrorists.

What the hell do I do? I only have 645 macro-minutes until I have to surprise Samantha with a three week anniversary party that even D. Piddy, you may remember him as Diddy, would be proud of.

I did the only thing I could do; I rounded up and groomed Bill O’Reilly, my cyber stallion, and then galloped to MCDZ headquarters. I decided to turn on the TV mode of my holosonaric thigh watch to catch what the American hating liberals are saying. The first thing I switched to was Senator Ted Kennedy’s speech; how the hell is he still alive? Like every time I hear or see Ted talk I contemplated committing suicide, but I thought the American people couldn’t handle such a great and historic loss, so I somehow managed to not kill myself. Through all my crying and screaming, I heard some of his communistic words. Here is what I could bare to listen to, “It happened back in the eighties and it’s happening again, Reagan is trying to start a nuclear war that will cause the Biblical apocalypse, which I don’t believe in because I’m an America hating atheist. Everyone knows that we can live in peace with the people who hate our very existence, and live to watch us die, I happen to respect Hitler, Stalin, and Ahmadinejad very much. I would like to say god bless their efforts to bring peace to the world once again.” It baffles me that this guy keeps getting reelected and is still alive.

After a short nap, which I needed to recover from the trauma of listening to Ted, I turned to the college network to see how the youth were doing. But on every college channel there were college democrats marching against Reagan, against nukes, against white people, against animal cruelty, and against America. I knew now that, as the handsome yet stunningly rugged leader of MCDZ, I had to stand by Reagan and have faith.

I made it to headquarters in record time; I guess Bill O’Reilly was as pumped as I was to save the world. As I demounted my cyber stallion my trusty hover bed was there to catch my graceful fall. All I had to do was unclasp my fanny pack and the hover bed automatically changed me into my custom D. Piddy designed silk-leather composite jumpsuit and took me to the pop secret top secret meeting room. From here I asked Smith how long it would be until star wars would be complete, when we could start deploying the Mission Controllers, and how long until we can drop the boxes of goodies. Smith contorted his body, looked at his holosonaric thigh watch and said, “In about…right now.” “I don’t know if we have that kind of time to waste, but I guess we have to,” I, very annoyed with Smith, said. “Get me access to all the mission controllers now Smith.”

When I had the attention to all of MCDZ, I gave the speech of a lifetime; it brought me back to the time when I was about to lead MCDZ to a very impressive victory over North Korea. Here’s what I said, “I know everyone is scared of the mission at hand, but the enemy we face, and I’m not talking about the democrats, is a pussy. Nobody is standing up to them, so when we do, they will back down like the pussies they really are. Much like the Democrats, they are pussies. So let’s kick these pussies right in the ass!” After the seven standing ovations I received, I gave the same speech again as an encore, but this time I only got four standing ovations. After this I had Smith send out the Mission Controllers, the lava powered nukes, the dinotanks, the boxes full of Muslim deterrents, and launch star wars into space. Then I had Thatcher go lead the offensive in Israel because they are closest to Britain. I obviously designated Rocky 4 as the guy to drop the boxes because, well, he’s a boxer. I then sent the starters from the hockey team to Iraq to help out there because it’s their favorite country. And I sent the rest of the team to North Korea because they are all bilingual in North Korean.

“Only 546 macro-minutes until Samantha’s…thing,” I shouted at Bill O’Reilly as we headed back to meet with Reagan. I had to tell Reagan that I set the mission in motion and also tell him to address the nation to make sure everyone knows that he means what he says. I was in a race with time, and only time can tell who the winning time will go to.

CH 13 – More Like Tanniversary

It was particularly cold, from global cooling, while I was cyber galloping back to the oval office, and to make things worse, Samantha plasmamailed me 15 times. I knew she was worried about the extremely important anniversary party, but I didn’t want to deal with her nagginess right now so I sent her a plasmamail message saying that everything will be ready in time. Damn that woman gets on my last nerve, but she also has one hell of a rockin’ hot bod. Bill O’Reilly was making record time once again, he must have known the tasks I were doing were very important and very American.

I’m pretty sure I Tokyo-drifted around like 20 corners when I was segwaying to the oval office, and I knew I looked pretty awesome doing it too. I finally made it, and was looking Reagan right in his eye balls. But just as I was about to tell him that he needed to address the world, he stood up and said, “Tad, I have to address the world and show them who’s the boss.” It’s like he can read my mind, but I don’t know how, because I didn’t inject him with the special MCDZ mind reading serum when rehumanizing him. Before obliging to the Presidents orders, I had to tell him the important news, “Mr. President, I set the mission in motion.” “Whatever Tad, just get me on the TV, or whatever you kids are calling it these days,” Reagan said with a wisdom that I had never heard before. When I knew that Reagan was very concerned with what I had to say, I went on to tell him the exact details that went along with the mission. The deep look of interest and intrigue with the words I was saying was so evident on Reagan’s face that it seemed as if he was asleep.

When I finished explaining everything, me and Reagan segwayed to the ‘address the world’ room in the White House. Man I love when I get to see Reagan give a speech telling everyone that he will crush whoever gets in his way; it just gives me a peace that only Jesus Christ Almighty can match. I switched my segway into lazyboy mode and was ready to hear what Reagan had to say. Here’s a little taste of what Reagan said that rattled the world, “First I’ll address the democrats. I’m the President, and unlike you guys, I actually mean the words I say, and then I actually do what I say, so maybe that’s something you should look into. Next I’m going to talk to the great people of America. I know it’s a scary time, but you have to trust me, I’ve done this before, and I promise that the Islamic terrorist threat is about to be over. And finally I want to tell Hitler, Stalin, Ahmadinejad, and every Islamo out there that in a matter of moments a special American surprise will be sent your way, so I will only say this one time. Mr. Gorbechav, I mean bad guys, stop doing everything or face utter destruction. And to you oppressed by sharia law, I promise that America will splash you with the golden waters of freedom in no time.” I got so pumped up after hearing Reagan’s speech that I wanted to go kick some Islamic terrorist ass like the old days, but as leader of MCDZ, which is the U.S. military now, it’s my duty to delegate the actual fighting to the newbie Mission Controllers. I was very impressed when Reagan talked to the oppressed people; he really does care about the poor slaves of terrorism.

I got wind from Smith that Samantha was looking for me. Can that woman not be alone for a freaking micro-second! I somehow managed to coax Reagan into hiding out in the oval office with me for, well, until the anniversary party was. And when I checked my holosonaric thigh watch, there were only 328 macro-minutes left. Reagan was actually fine with waiting in the oval office because, as he put it, “all we have to do is sit back and wait for everything to work out.” I was skeptical of Reagan’s ‘everything will work out’ attitude, but he was the President and it’s my duty to have faith in him.

There we were, me and Reagan, both sitting in the oval office dealing with very similar situations. On the one hand I had only 314 macro-minutes remaining, and on the other hand, Reagan had the fate of the world. I knew we could learn a lot from each other, but since he had a sweet new ultra thin invisiscreen installed, there was no reason to really talk about anything. Reagan, just trying to pass time, turned on the longest lasting news station, Fox News. Which also happens to still be fair, balanced, and unafraid; I’m pretty sure these are the reasons why it’s Reagan’s favorite channel.

Not expecting anything that important to appear on the unbelievably, almost invisible, thin screen, our eye balls weren’t as focused as they could have been. But then we heard a huge explosion, which sounded as if it were right outside the oval office because of Reagan’s sweet surround sound electron speakers. After realizing that the sound came from the invisiscreen, we adjusted the focus on our eye balls and started to listen to the words the news person had to say.

It was amazing; Fox News was showing live video of the boxes dropping down on precise Islamic terrorist strongholds. The plan was working perfectly; immediately after the boxes were opened, the Islamos went into a weakened state of panic and chaos. It was at this point that the dinotanks and Mission Controllers armed with megagun-stealthray-shooters began to infiltrate these danger zones and capture most of the terrorists. I say most because some terrorists committed suicide, probably thinking the promised virgins would be better than going to gitmo, when they saw all the American flags that were carried by every Mission Controller who was taking them over. Then we got word from Smith that this exact thing was happening all over. This was wicked awesome because we were defeating the Islamic terrorists without setting off a single of our very many nukes. I bet the dems were pissing themselves by now, but they were probably just trying to make up ways that Reagan messed up. This is when Reagan handed me the whale paper; this time his approval rating was a record 98 percent. “I told you the Americans would come around again, but this thing isn’t quite over yet,” said a very serious Reagan.

“It’s over, we surrender like the French.” These are the exact words that Hitler, Stalin, and Ahmadinejad said to Reagan via plasmamail message. It looks like all that needed to be done is bully the bullies, because they weren’t used to not getting their way. Now that Hitler, Stalin, Ahmadinejad, and every Islamic terrorist was locked up in gitmo, which is now all of Cuba, with no trial to look forward to, because the Geneva Conventions don’t apply to these bastards, I can make it to the anniversary party on time. With only 159 macro-minutes remaining I only had time to tan twice in the White House’s secret hidden tanning quarters and have Smith invite the appropriate guests.

When I arrived, on time of course, I was wearing the same silk-leather composite jumpsuit and fanny pack, and was carrying the same megagun-stealthray-shooter I had the first time I met Samantha. Everyone was there; Reagan, Thatcher, who catered the event with, you guessed it, tea and crumpets, Rocky 4, the hockey team, and my original MCDZ crew. Oh, and Smith was there too. “Oh Tad, you made it, and you look incredibly tan,” Samantha said in the sexy voice I fell in lust with. Her womanly curves, only accentuated by the near see through dress, were so damn hot that I was about to take her to the Lincoln bedroom and frisk her, but only after she made me dinner…and dessert. This is about the time she asked me what the special surprise was. Not remembering or caring if I actually said I would provide a special surprise, I knew that if I didn’t come up something fast, she would murder me with the very same megagun-stealthray-shooter that I gave her a week ago, I knew that gift was a bad idea. So I blurted out the first thing that came into my brainsphere, “Samantha, will you marry me?” I have no idea why I said this, but I didn’t have a ring, so I gave her another megagun-stealthray-shooter. She said yes, I mean who would say no to this toned and tanned pile of pure American muscle? It was kind of awkward, because when I asked her it was as if she were kneeling down because I was standing tall on my segway looking down on her.

Well, Reagan saved the world by standing up to the Islamic terrorists and made the democrats look even more like little children, if that’s possible. I was engaged to smoking hot Samantha Simpson, and leader of Mission Control to Danger Zone, the most badass freedom loving terrorist hating defense program that anyone could ask for. Oh, and Reagan made the U.N. headquarters MCDZ’s new headquarters because, I mean, what good is the U.N. anyway? But with December right around the corner, Reagan may have one more war to win, and some may call this the most dangerous war of all, the war on Christmas, or as I pronounce it, CHRIST-mas.