University of Arkansas student paper articles
Men have always run government
(I had to apologize to every professor in my department for this one)
I was reading the letters to the editor and I was concerned with what I saw. For some reason someone doesn’t want four men to represent us in the student government next year. They want females to represent us as well. I thought maybe they didn’t know about U.S. history, but then I figured they had to because they’re in college. So I decided to do a little reading from my U.S. history book last night, as I do every night. I started at the beginning because this is where the founding fathers are talked about. As I continued to read I realized that these founding fathers all had one thing in common, they were all men. Now this great country of ours was founded by men. Don’t you think that the student government should follow after their example and support all man representation? It’s what the founding fathers would have wanted. Speaking of only men, how about Augusta National where the Masters is held every year, congrats Phil. Augusta has it right; they only allow men to be members of the club. Women are still allowed to play the course, but that’s it. I applaud Augusta National for continuing to stand up for what’s right. They are a great example of how not only the student government should be run, but also how this great country should continue to be run.
Nick Bahash will sign newspapers
I knew some people would take my article seriously, so when I read the responses Friday I had a good laugh. Mr. Archer, I thank you for your well researched response. I mean it must have taken you hours to come up with stats like 56 founding fathers and 1776 as the date the declaration of independence was signed. But maybe, just maybe you should have gone with your gut instinct which told you my article was an “ill-timed satire”. That would have saved you hours of research. Mrs. Tomlinson, thanks for the advice, I will hold on to my seat. Oh, and women are theoretically allowed to play in the masters, but no one has qualified for it yet. Also, there’s a thing called the LPGA, that’s for the ladies. Now I’ll let you guys see some of my fan mail. Lee Ann King writes, “so, I just picked up the traveler and was reading letters to the editor…you are hilarious!.” Stephanie Ang writes, “I swear, that’s the most hilarious thing I’ve read in a long time.” Looks like these women got my “ill-timed satire.” Now since so many people told me how much they liked my article, I will give my fans a treat. Tomorrow at 3 p.m. I will be signing newspapers outside the union. Here’s a quote I think everybody should live by, “Don’t take life too seriously; you’ll never get out alive.” Van Wilder.
Fundamentalism stopped by “Da Code”
Abel, I may not be wise enough to understand your graduate student intellect, but I do agree with you in the fact that fundamentalist Christians are causing more problems than fundamentalist Muslims. We won’t have to worry about the fundamentalist Christians for long. They will be brought to their knees soon enough. And by soon I mean May 19th. Why May 19th? This is when “The Da Vinci Code” comes to a theater near you. I say this because I used to be one of these fundamentalist Christian types. That is until I read “The Da Vinci Code,” or “Da Code” as I like to call it. I can’t believe people still read this Bible thing anymore. Dan Brown, the author, has uncovered the code that famous person, Leonardo Da Vinci, has left for us in his paintings or sculptures or something. I don’t really remember much of the book, I kept daydreaming about teenage mutant ninja turtles, but I do remember that Jesus was actually married to Mary who was eating supper in a painting, and that they had kids. I can’t believe the Bible tried to fool us for so long. I feel like I’ve wasted my life believing in that stuff. The “Da Code” facts don’t lie. Dan Brown proves that this book is the truth with his fact page, “all descriptions of artwork, architecture, documents, and secret rituals in this novel are accurate.” Dan Brown has hit Christianity with two katana of truth. Katana are the swords that Leonardo uses to fight epic battles as a ninja turtle. Christianity can’t keep hiding the truth about Jesus and the Bible for long. Hollywood is finally looking to divine inspiration without the help of Mel Gibson. What better way to kick off the summer than discovering “Da truth.”
Flag football inequality
I’ve decided to get back to the basics. I wrote what some might call a controversial article about how women shouldn’t be able to run government at the end of last year.
Don’t get me wrong, I still agree very strongly with my statements, but a lot of feminists and even one guy were angry with me. And I kind of understand what made them angry, so I didn’t bring it up again. But then I found something out that made me angry at these so called feminists. I play intramural flag football and am extremely talented. Coach Nutt has actually talked to me about a scholarship, but I’m just too committed to my studies. I always play in the men’s open league; this is why I didn’t know the rules that applied to co-rec flag football. Apparently you have to alternate throwing the ball from guy to girl, and if a girl drops it, you have to throw back to a girl.
That’s not all; if a guy scores a touchdown, it’s six points, and if a girl scores it’s nine points. Now I could care less about these rules, they actually seem very fair and reasonable. What gets me is that not one of these feminists who were mad at me has said a word. These so called feminists made a point to say that women were equal to men, but I guess making a fuss about equality should only be made when you’re at a disadvantage, not when inequality is working for you. Here are my final words to you feminists; if you fight for equality between the sexes, you have to make a stand even when the inequality is helping you out. You can’t be a bunch of liberal flip-flopping Democrats. Oh, and remember, the Founding Fathers were all men.
Kyoto Protocol would help America
President Bush cheated his way into the White House, lied us into an unjustified war and purposefully harmed America’s children by vetoing the child health insurance plan. These are facts. Look them up. Seriously. Look them up. But these atrocities are nothing compared to what Bush did concerning the only real issue facing the world today. I, of course, am talking about global warming. If you’re a stupid person and still don’t believe in global warming, then I have to throw some knowledge your way. Al Gore recently won a Noble Peace Prize for warning the world about global warming. The Noble Peace Prize proves that global warming is real and is happening. They can’t just give Noble Peace Prizes for stuff that’s not based on facts. I mean, Yasser Arafat won a Noble Peace Prize in 1994 for his efforts to create peace in the Middle East, and we all know he deserved that. Back to the point. What Bush did was not sign the Kyoto Protocol. The objective of the protocol is the “stabilization of greenhouse gas concentrations in the atmosphere at a level that would prevent dangerous anthropogenic interference with the climate system.” This means that we, America, do not have to reduce our emissions, thus fueling global warming and killing millions of people. But if you’re a liberal like me, then you would know that if the Kyoto Protocol is signed by Bush, global warming would stop, the average global temperature would become a constant, there would be no more storms of any kind, poverty would be eliminated and our economy would reach highs pot-heads couldn’t even imagine. And this all would happen immediately.
Republicans should learn tact from Democrats
I just found out that Ms. Davis, or, as the students call her, Rachael, recently got in trouble, or, as the law calls it, reprimanded, for chalking “Life’s a b****, don’t vote for one” on the sidewalks here at the UA. Being a feminist-supporting liberal, I know it’s only the Republicans who use hateful, obscenity-filled free speech when smashing an opposing politician. If you must chalk something, then please take the advice of Lindsay Irion, “Try sticking to the facts. If you have a problem with a candidate’s policy, address it. If you have a problem with a candidate’s beliefs, address them.” These are the words that all Democrats – like me – stick to. Take this example for instance. Last semester there was an anti-war/impeach Bush rally in front of the Union set up by some very peaceful and intellectual liberals. And everything they said was based solely on facts and was obscenity free. But what I found to be the best part of the rally was the signs that were held up. Instead of demeaning, fact-less words, these liberals were only showing their dislike for Bush’s policies and beliefs. One sign read “Bush lied.” I thought this one was straight to the point. It didn’t get caught up in any juju-mugumbo; it was just a plain fact. Another sign said, “Someone give Bush a b*** job.” I thought this was the most tasteful and creative one. This one was clearly a clever play at words showing how Bush is b***ing at his job, which is being president. It takes a superior intellect to come up with something this obscenity-free. In conclusion, republicans need to take some lessons in tact from the Democrats here on campus.
Liberals argue from ‘heart of the gut’
“U.S. needs to end ‘Bush’s war’ now.” When I saw that title, I knew I had to read the article. And it was pure original genius. Usually when you are making an argument for or against something you base your argument on facts or research, but Brian Washburn based his argument on the movie “Across the Universe.” I’m glad he’s getting back to the basics, because most liberals base all their arguments on recent movies or blogs. Unlike the stupid republicans, liberals love to argue straight from the gut. Or is it the heart? Let’s just say the heart of the gut. “I propose we end the war in Iraq immediately.” These bold, original words give me chills every time I read them. And everyone knows that when Bush is replaced by Hillary or Obama, the war will end immediately. We know this because the democrats always get the job done. Just take the current democrat-ruled congress for instance; some would say that they are the best, most effective congress ever. “Ending the war…could also save the U.S. economy.” This is so true. Just take a look at the stock market. It’s been breaking records, but I’m sure Bush is just making it look that way. If you’re a liberal like me, then you know that fighting terrorism is a lot easier than the current administration is making it out to be. There are only like a handful of terrorists who do not represent Islam or Allah in any way. If we just go over there and talk to them, then everything will work out. Why can’t Bush or any stupid republican see this? War is not the answer. If we bomb them and torture them, then they will bomb and torture us. Long story short: We started it all.
Let the rumors stop
OK, I’m tired of hearing all the rumors about Houston Nutt staying or going. I want to get down to brass tax and address the real question that’s running through everyone’s mind, and no, it’s not “what does brass tax mean?” The hot question of the day is this: “Is Darren McFadden going to play football in Canada?” I can’t tell you how many times I hear people say this, so, as the perfect person to answer this question, I’m going to answer it. How am I the perfect person you ask? Well, I did play high school ball. Ever hear of it? Yea, that’s right, I led my team to multiple victories. I doubled as quarterback and free safety. My nickname was “The Hash,” not because I smoked a lot of hash, but because I ate a lot of hash browns. I love them, what can I say. But now that you know how qualified I am to answer the question, I will. The answer is no. D-Mac will not be playing football in Canada, so you bloggers can get on your Internet and type away. After a long conversation, I found out that the reason D-Mac didn’t want to go play in Canada was because he didn’t want to get caught up in ice hockey. It’s a very seductive sport. So, please stop with the vicious rumors about D-Mac playing football in Canada. They are simply not true. Thank you for your time.
We are better than you
I read the opinion section of the Traveler to see if anyone else but me gets it. And Abby Darrah gets it. She gets that people are causing global warming and that green is the only way to go. She also gets that if you’re doing something to help stop global warming and create a constant global climate, you are better than everyone else and you should report what you are doing to the most people possible. Abby says, “I walk or ride my bike almost everywhere, I recycle, I keep the heat and AC in my apartment off or at a minimum, I take my own cup to coffee shops. I don’t consider any of these things extreme or unnecessarily inconvenient.” That last sentence really shows how much better she is than everyone, and rightfully so. She’s stopping global warming, the number one killer of polar bears. It’s now my turn to boast. In addition to roller-skating everywhere I go, I hold my breath for a minute every other minute to cut down on my emissions. I never had the electricity turned on in my house because I like to live as nature intended. If it’s dark, I’m not supposed to see. And when I wash my only shirt and one pair of hemp pants once a year, I use my abs and an ounce of water. I also don’t think any of the things I do are inconvenient or extreme. So, if you’re like Abby and me, please start writing into the Traveler telling of all you do to help the environment. You need to let people know you are better than them. And if you choose not to sacrifice for the environment, then you lack “moral integrity,” as Abby so eloquently put it. May Mother Earth bless you.
Strikes rule!
So, there you are at your place of work. You’ve been there for a while and have proved that you can do a damn good job of making ice cream – a lot better than your lazy coworkers. And yes, you work at an ice cream place. Let’s call it The Ice Cream Place. You believe that since you put the ice cream in either a cup or a cone, you should receive 2.5 percent of every cup or cone sold in addition to your hourly rate. Now, how should you go about this? There are two possibilities here. And I shall tell you the wrong way to do it first, so listen carefully. You gain confidence by talking to yourself in a mirror for one half hour, and then you approach the boss. With this newfound confidence, you ask him for your 2.5 percent proposal. Your boss carefully reviews the whole situation and grants you your request based solely on your hard work. For the second possibility, you start by rounding up your lazy coworkers. You then explain to them the situation. They think it’s a great idea to get some more money. So, you and your group – let’s call it a union – go meet with the boss. You, being the head of the union, do all the talking. The boss reviews the whole situation and denies you and your union the 2.5 percent based on your lazy coworkers’ less-than-average work. From here, you and your union decide to go on strike and not work until the boss meets your demands. And then, in two days time, the boss caves and grants you and your union’s demand because no one else can make ice cream. The second option is obviously best because, why work hard when you don’t have to? Communism rules!
(I had to apologize to every professor in my department for this one)
I was reading the letters to the editor and I was concerned with what I saw. For some reason someone doesn’t want four men to represent us in the student government next year. They want females to represent us as well. I thought maybe they didn’t know about U.S. history, but then I figured they had to because they’re in college. So I decided to do a little reading from my U.S. history book last night, as I do every night. I started at the beginning because this is where the founding fathers are talked about. As I continued to read I realized that these founding fathers all had one thing in common, they were all men. Now this great country of ours was founded by men. Don’t you think that the student government should follow after their example and support all man representation? It’s what the founding fathers would have wanted. Speaking of only men, how about Augusta National where the Masters is held every year, congrats Phil. Augusta has it right; they only allow men to be members of the club. Women are still allowed to play the course, but that’s it. I applaud Augusta National for continuing to stand up for what’s right. They are a great example of how not only the student government should be run, but also how this great country should continue to be run.
Nick Bahash will sign newspapers
I knew some people would take my article seriously, so when I read the responses Friday I had a good laugh. Mr. Archer, I thank you for your well researched response. I mean it must have taken you hours to come up with stats like 56 founding fathers and 1776 as the date the declaration of independence was signed. But maybe, just maybe you should have gone with your gut instinct which told you my article was an “ill-timed satire”. That would have saved you hours of research. Mrs. Tomlinson, thanks for the advice, I will hold on to my seat. Oh, and women are theoretically allowed to play in the masters, but no one has qualified for it yet. Also, there’s a thing called the LPGA, that’s for the ladies. Now I’ll let you guys see some of my fan mail. Lee Ann King writes, “so, I just picked up the traveler and was reading letters to the editor…you are hilarious!.” Stephanie Ang writes, “I swear, that’s the most hilarious thing I’ve read in a long time.” Looks like these women got my “ill-timed satire.” Now since so many people told me how much they liked my article, I will give my fans a treat. Tomorrow at 3 p.m. I will be signing newspapers outside the union. Here’s a quote I think everybody should live by, “Don’t take life too seriously; you’ll never get out alive.” Van Wilder.
Fundamentalism stopped by “Da Code”
Abel, I may not be wise enough to understand your graduate student intellect, but I do agree with you in the fact that fundamentalist Christians are causing more problems than fundamentalist Muslims. We won’t have to worry about the fundamentalist Christians for long. They will be brought to their knees soon enough. And by soon I mean May 19th. Why May 19th? This is when “The Da Vinci Code” comes to a theater near you. I say this because I used to be one of these fundamentalist Christian types. That is until I read “The Da Vinci Code,” or “Da Code” as I like to call it. I can’t believe people still read this Bible thing anymore. Dan Brown, the author, has uncovered the code that famous person, Leonardo Da Vinci, has left for us in his paintings or sculptures or something. I don’t really remember much of the book, I kept daydreaming about teenage mutant ninja turtles, but I do remember that Jesus was actually married to Mary who was eating supper in a painting, and that they had kids. I can’t believe the Bible tried to fool us for so long. I feel like I’ve wasted my life believing in that stuff. The “Da Code” facts don’t lie. Dan Brown proves that this book is the truth with his fact page, “all descriptions of artwork, architecture, documents, and secret rituals in this novel are accurate.” Dan Brown has hit Christianity with two katana of truth. Katana are the swords that Leonardo uses to fight epic battles as a ninja turtle. Christianity can’t keep hiding the truth about Jesus and the Bible for long. Hollywood is finally looking to divine inspiration without the help of Mel Gibson. What better way to kick off the summer than discovering “Da truth.”
Flag football inequality
I’ve decided to get back to the basics. I wrote what some might call a controversial article about how women shouldn’t be able to run government at the end of last year.
Don’t get me wrong, I still agree very strongly with my statements, but a lot of feminists and even one guy were angry with me. And I kind of understand what made them angry, so I didn’t bring it up again. But then I found something out that made me angry at these so called feminists. I play intramural flag football and am extremely talented. Coach Nutt has actually talked to me about a scholarship, but I’m just too committed to my studies. I always play in the men’s open league; this is why I didn’t know the rules that applied to co-rec flag football. Apparently you have to alternate throwing the ball from guy to girl, and if a girl drops it, you have to throw back to a girl.
That’s not all; if a guy scores a touchdown, it’s six points, and if a girl scores it’s nine points. Now I could care less about these rules, they actually seem very fair and reasonable. What gets me is that not one of these feminists who were mad at me has said a word. These so called feminists made a point to say that women were equal to men, but I guess making a fuss about equality should only be made when you’re at a disadvantage, not when inequality is working for you. Here are my final words to you feminists; if you fight for equality between the sexes, you have to make a stand even when the inequality is helping you out. You can’t be a bunch of liberal flip-flopping Democrats. Oh, and remember, the Founding Fathers were all men.
Kyoto Protocol would help America
President Bush cheated his way into the White House, lied us into an unjustified war and purposefully harmed America’s children by vetoing the child health insurance plan. These are facts. Look them up. Seriously. Look them up. But these atrocities are nothing compared to what Bush did concerning the only real issue facing the world today. I, of course, am talking about global warming. If you’re a stupid person and still don’t believe in global warming, then I have to throw some knowledge your way. Al Gore recently won a Noble Peace Prize for warning the world about global warming. The Noble Peace Prize proves that global warming is real and is happening. They can’t just give Noble Peace Prizes for stuff that’s not based on facts. I mean, Yasser Arafat won a Noble Peace Prize in 1994 for his efforts to create peace in the Middle East, and we all know he deserved that. Back to the point. What Bush did was not sign the Kyoto Protocol. The objective of the protocol is the “stabilization of greenhouse gas concentrations in the atmosphere at a level that would prevent dangerous anthropogenic interference with the climate system.” This means that we, America, do not have to reduce our emissions, thus fueling global warming and killing millions of people. But if you’re a liberal like me, then you would know that if the Kyoto Protocol is signed by Bush, global warming would stop, the average global temperature would become a constant, there would be no more storms of any kind, poverty would be eliminated and our economy would reach highs pot-heads couldn’t even imagine. And this all would happen immediately.
Republicans should learn tact from Democrats
I just found out that Ms. Davis, or, as the students call her, Rachael, recently got in trouble, or, as the law calls it, reprimanded, for chalking “Life’s a b****, don’t vote for one” on the sidewalks here at the UA. Being a feminist-supporting liberal, I know it’s only the Republicans who use hateful, obscenity-filled free speech when smashing an opposing politician. If you must chalk something, then please take the advice of Lindsay Irion, “Try sticking to the facts. If you have a problem with a candidate’s policy, address it. If you have a problem with a candidate’s beliefs, address them.” These are the words that all Democrats – like me – stick to. Take this example for instance. Last semester there was an anti-war/impeach Bush rally in front of the Union set up by some very peaceful and intellectual liberals. And everything they said was based solely on facts and was obscenity free. But what I found to be the best part of the rally was the signs that were held up. Instead of demeaning, fact-less words, these liberals were only showing their dislike for Bush’s policies and beliefs. One sign read “Bush lied.” I thought this one was straight to the point. It didn’t get caught up in any juju-mugumbo; it was just a plain fact. Another sign said, “Someone give Bush a b*** job.” I thought this was the most tasteful and creative one. This one was clearly a clever play at words showing how Bush is b***ing at his job, which is being president. It takes a superior intellect to come up with something this obscenity-free. In conclusion, republicans need to take some lessons in tact from the Democrats here on campus.
Liberals argue from ‘heart of the gut’
“U.S. needs to end ‘Bush’s war’ now.” When I saw that title, I knew I had to read the article. And it was pure original genius. Usually when you are making an argument for or against something you base your argument on facts or research, but Brian Washburn based his argument on the movie “Across the Universe.” I’m glad he’s getting back to the basics, because most liberals base all their arguments on recent movies or blogs. Unlike the stupid republicans, liberals love to argue straight from the gut. Or is it the heart? Let’s just say the heart of the gut. “I propose we end the war in Iraq immediately.” These bold, original words give me chills every time I read them. And everyone knows that when Bush is replaced by Hillary or Obama, the war will end immediately. We know this because the democrats always get the job done. Just take the current democrat-ruled congress for instance; some would say that they are the best, most effective congress ever. “Ending the war…could also save the U.S. economy.” This is so true. Just take a look at the stock market. It’s been breaking records, but I’m sure Bush is just making it look that way. If you’re a liberal like me, then you know that fighting terrorism is a lot easier than the current administration is making it out to be. There are only like a handful of terrorists who do not represent Islam or Allah in any way. If we just go over there and talk to them, then everything will work out. Why can’t Bush or any stupid republican see this? War is not the answer. If we bomb them and torture them, then they will bomb and torture us. Long story short: We started it all.
Let the rumors stop
OK, I’m tired of hearing all the rumors about Houston Nutt staying or going. I want to get down to brass tax and address the real question that’s running through everyone’s mind, and no, it’s not “what does brass tax mean?” The hot question of the day is this: “Is Darren McFadden going to play football in Canada?” I can’t tell you how many times I hear people say this, so, as the perfect person to answer this question, I’m going to answer it. How am I the perfect person you ask? Well, I did play high school ball. Ever hear of it? Yea, that’s right, I led my team to multiple victories. I doubled as quarterback and free safety. My nickname was “The Hash,” not because I smoked a lot of hash, but because I ate a lot of hash browns. I love them, what can I say. But now that you know how qualified I am to answer the question, I will. The answer is no. D-Mac will not be playing football in Canada, so you bloggers can get on your Internet and type away. After a long conversation, I found out that the reason D-Mac didn’t want to go play in Canada was because he didn’t want to get caught up in ice hockey. It’s a very seductive sport. So, please stop with the vicious rumors about D-Mac playing football in Canada. They are simply not true. Thank you for your time.
We are better than you
I read the opinion section of the Traveler to see if anyone else but me gets it. And Abby Darrah gets it. She gets that people are causing global warming and that green is the only way to go. She also gets that if you’re doing something to help stop global warming and create a constant global climate, you are better than everyone else and you should report what you are doing to the most people possible. Abby says, “I walk or ride my bike almost everywhere, I recycle, I keep the heat and AC in my apartment off or at a minimum, I take my own cup to coffee shops. I don’t consider any of these things extreme or unnecessarily inconvenient.” That last sentence really shows how much better she is than everyone, and rightfully so. She’s stopping global warming, the number one killer of polar bears. It’s now my turn to boast. In addition to roller-skating everywhere I go, I hold my breath for a minute every other minute to cut down on my emissions. I never had the electricity turned on in my house because I like to live as nature intended. If it’s dark, I’m not supposed to see. And when I wash my only shirt and one pair of hemp pants once a year, I use my abs and an ounce of water. I also don’t think any of the things I do are inconvenient or extreme. So, if you’re like Abby and me, please start writing into the Traveler telling of all you do to help the environment. You need to let people know you are better than them. And if you choose not to sacrifice for the environment, then you lack “moral integrity,” as Abby so eloquently put it. May Mother Earth bless you.
Strikes rule!
So, there you are at your place of work. You’ve been there for a while and have proved that you can do a damn good job of making ice cream – a lot better than your lazy coworkers. And yes, you work at an ice cream place. Let’s call it The Ice Cream Place. You believe that since you put the ice cream in either a cup or a cone, you should receive 2.5 percent of every cup or cone sold in addition to your hourly rate. Now, how should you go about this? There are two possibilities here. And I shall tell you the wrong way to do it first, so listen carefully. You gain confidence by talking to yourself in a mirror for one half hour, and then you approach the boss. With this newfound confidence, you ask him for your 2.5 percent proposal. Your boss carefully reviews the whole situation and grants you your request based solely on your hard work. For the second possibility, you start by rounding up your lazy coworkers. You then explain to them the situation. They think it’s a great idea to get some more money. So, you and your group – let’s call it a union – go meet with the boss. You, being the head of the union, do all the talking. The boss reviews the whole situation and denies you and your union the 2.5 percent based on your lazy coworkers’ less-than-average work. From here, you and your union decide to go on strike and not work until the boss meets your demands. And then, in two days time, the boss caves and grants you and your union’s demand because no one else can make ice cream. The second option is obviously best because, why work hard when you don’t have to? Communism rules!
